Well, its back. Vanderpump Rules made its 5th season debut with as much drama packed into one episode as we could handle...seriously, though, I almost couldn't handle it. There are few shows that suck me in quite like this one, and it makes my life complete when its around.
I see our normal cast is back with an official Stassi addition from last year. I guess Bravo's forced apology tour that she did last year worked. We also see Brittany, Jax's girlfriend, now working at SUR and Jax stressing to Tom Sandoval about how they work, play, and live together and its just TOO MUCH. I guess he should've encouraged her to keep her job at Hooters, then. Lala and James are still on the show and Tom Sandoval and Ariana are still going strong as the world's "coolest couple." Katie and Tom Schwartz are still engaged and Katie is SO BUSY planning her wedding she barely has time for Lala and her drama. Right... Kristen is dating a guy for solid 10 months now! Wow, shes only 33, I think she's at that age where 10 months sounds like a really long time. Non crazy people her age may even be married by then. Although she admits to having a "fake engagement ring". Ugh...
Anyways, here are my thoughts on the Vanderpump premiere!
- Within minutes of the episode starting, we hear Jax tell Tom Sandoval that he caught Kristen going down on his girlfriend Brittany one drunken night. He continues to repeat this throughout the entire episode and I have a feeling we're going to drag this out the entire season as well. It's not even that interesting, but its just a tad gross - mainly because its Kristen. As Ariana put it "You just can't go to sleep when Kristen is around". Brittany adamantly denies it, she even seems real pissed at Jax for bringing it up and ya know, telling everyone about it. Kristen didn't fully deny that it happened. We'll see how this unfolds.
- I'm pretty sure that all of the SURvers don't even really work there anymore. They've sold their souls to Bravo and just get filmed to be in their uniforms and stand behind the bar or at the server station and gossip. There's no way they are turning around 200 tables a night because we see them basically doing nothing. On that note, I'm also convinced that the only time Lisa even walks into her restaurants is when Bravo is following her around with a crew. I ain't mad at cha, Lisa.
- In support of my last thought, we see that Brittany & Jax and Schwartz & Katie have both updated their apartments. I believe they have been brought through Bravo blood diamond money.
- At the Ok! Magazine party, the crew all settle into their reserved spot and they all go crazy when James and Lala enter the party. James goes insane and Lala calls the girls fat. We then hear that Stassi knows some people, that know some people, who know that Lala is FOR SURE a sugar baby and her sugar daddy has a wife and kids. Katie sees red and won't stop talking shit about Lala the whole night. She also jumps down Tom & Ariana's throats when they come to the table and say they didn't know what happened. Is she still mad at Lala for going topless around Schwartz in Hawaii last year? My God... I hope the girls (Kristen, Stassi, Scheana, and Katie) saw how they looked like a bunch of rabid hyenas while trash talking Lala. It's really sad that their so insecure about her.
- Did anyone else want to call bullshit on this party? Why did it seem like the cast were the ONLY people in that room? Even when James & Lala leave and go to the other couch, we see the camera span out to watch them walk away and no on else is in that room. SO WEIRD. I hate being a traitor to my Bravo-fandom but...staged much?
- I also love how Katie tells Lisa that Lala body shamed her as if she hasn't said MUCH worse about Lala and pretty much every girl she is threatened by at the moment. She throws around the word "whore" like no other. Also, Katie - you are boring and just grumpy. Have you slept with your fiance yet?
- Sandoval and Ariana are friends with James and Lala? I can see the Ariana & Lala connection since it seems like Ariana isn't quick to judge but the Sandoval and James big brother moment was odd.
- We learn that James's excuse for being ridiculous is because his parents are getting divorced. I'm sorry, what? How old are you? Time to live your life and accept that your parents have their own lives as well. Baby.
- Oh, don't worry. It wasn't lost on me that the girls are all sitting around best friends with Scheana and judging Lala for supposedly sleeping with a married man when they did the exact same thing with Scheana when she first started. I guess since Scheana Marie is married now she's perfect, huh?
- Best quote of the night " You've ruined my Yeezy" - James. I hate you.
So there we have it. I honestly forgot that Katie and Schwartz aren't already married. BORING. If I have to watch one more Vanderpump Rules season where its all about someone getting married, I'll claw my Scheana Marie fake colored contacts outs.
Til next time.
xoxo.
