Happy Father's Day & Birthday, Daddy

My dad's birthday has always danced around the Sunday of Father's Day; and then there were those once in a while times where they were both on the same day. This was always funny when we were younger. He would make a big deal about having to get more presents because they ended up on the same day. Kind of like a kid who's birthday is on Christmas. But that's just how my dad was...totally obnoxious. If you knew him, then you know. ;)

This year is one of those rare occasions. My dad would have been celebrating his 70th birthday on June 19th, the same day as Father's Day. I always get in some sort of fog around that time. Its funny because Mother's Day comes and a week or so beforehand I'm like shit, its Mother's Day - send flowers? Check. Give her a call? Check. Maybe breakfast? Check.

But this day is different. I've had this day on my mind since I first looked at a 2016 calendar back in January. I've been anticipating it and praying I get through while keeping my cheeks dry. I can't send flowers, I can't give him a call or take him to breakfast. And there is a missing void in my heart because of it.

I was 14 years old when my dad died. My dad had a battle with alcoholism that ended up making his body very weak. He was also diabetic and did dialysis, the whole deal. I'm not afraid to tell you, and he wouldn't be either. He was a grown man when the doctor's told him he would need to stop drinking or he'd die (so I'm told through my family, I don't remember this first hand) but he did and he was proud of himself for that and he should be.

For all of his faults, he was a great dad. He would run around and chase me and my friends. He took us to all of the Riverfront festivals in downtown Harrisburg over the summer. I have a lot of memories of him taking us to Strawberry Square in Harrisburg. We went to church on Sunday mornings and for breakfast afterwards. I was so young then even though I thought I was grown. Teenagers, right? There are so many times I can think back with him trying to tell me things about himself, his family, his LIFE, and I was like "ooookkkaaaayyy dad". Now I would give anything to have those conversations with him. Why didn't I listen? He was the glue that kept the family together. Always checking in with his kids and sisters and making sure everyone knew what everyone else was doing. I can remember dancing around on his feet to Earth, Wind, and Fire. There was always music playing in our house.

Now I'm 32 and I've spent more of my life without him, than with him. I can't help but think about the things he's missed in my life.

Graduation from high school.

Graduation from college.

He never met Nathan.

Never met Yana's little boys.

I wonder if he would like Nathan?

What would he think of my career choices?

How would he be as a grandfather?

Would he get a kick out of the fact that Gabe's birthday is a day before his?Or that my sister, Tammi's, son is the spitting image of him?

I'll never be able to stop those thoughts from getting in my head. But if I keep asking myself 'why', I would never survive. The only thing I can do is think about all of the things that my dad has given me.

My big smile.

My loud laugh.

My excitable personality.

My (fabulous) taste in music.

My 6 siblings who I love as individuals and as a group.

My 4 strong, beautiful, fiercely independent Aunts who were big influences in his life.

My honesty.

My strong will.

He had an over the top personality that was always larger than life. Or maybe that was just my perception as a kid. But I like to remember him that way and I'll always remember him that way. I hope he knew how much he meant to me and still means to me.

Happy Father's Day & Birthday, Dad.
I wish I could give you presents times two. I think about you everyday. You're loved. You're missed.

xoxo.