Dear Mama...

Mother's Day is always a holiday that has me reflecting on my childhood. I don't have children of my own but I know a lot of amazing mothers out there, including my sisters. At this age, most of my friends are mothers and mother's day takes a whole new meaning. But for me, there's only one.

I don't even know how to begin to describe my mom. If you've met her or know her you would probably describe her as pleasant, sweet, but shy and even reserved (she'd probably even fuss knowing I was writing this). And you're right.

She's a mother, a sister, a daughter. She loves music like Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper, Carole King, Joni Mitchell. She's a feminist. She can finish a book in 3 days. She loves cinnamon, the color green, sunflowers, and cats. You get the picture. But my mom is a woman of so many layers.

As a kid, I always viewed her as fun but stern. She would make up games and play with us and she was always welcoming to our friends. We had season passes to Hersheypark, she took us down to the pool in the complex we lived in, took us to the neighborhood parks, and let our friends sleep over on the weekends. However, she wasn't without discipline for us -- and I always got the feeling that it stemmed from nervousness. Nervous about what, I'll never be sure. 

When I was a teenager, my  mom and I would butt heads a lot. Over stupid things like homework, boys, and curfew. My dad died when I was 14 and she became really depressed, a depression that I don't think she ever fully recovered from. All of that while raising two teenagers all by herself.  I lost a little bit of her in those times. She began to be really nervous about the future and small things overwhelmed her. And I can't blame her. Looking back at those times as an adult, I couldn't image losing the man I spent 30 years of my life with. And a not an easy 30 years either. She went through a lot with my dad because she loved him. They weren't married but they had a family, and you stay with your family even when the times get rough. That's just the way she is, she's from a different generation. 

As an adult my mom and I have been able to form a deeper relationship. I'm able to go through hard times WITH her. We need each other. She depends on me for certain things, even though I can tell it kills her to ask for my help. She is still only a phone call away with advice I need and she always knows just what to say. Quotes like:

Don't ever try and change someone, you'll only be disappointed if you try

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time

You have to be happy for you, no one else 

will always stay with me and have shaped the way that I live my life. She's been honest with me about the things that she feels she gave up in her life or missed out on. And encouraged me not to do the same thing. That I can be whatever I want to be.

But I am the person I am because of her. She's always been a guiding force in my life and someone to really look to as an example of a strong woman. She's a woman who has been shaped by the experiences she's endured in her life. So, I'll take her to breakfast and send her some flowers but it still won't be enough to show her how much she really means to me. But I think she knows, I hope she knows.

Cause when I was low, you was there for me. You never left me alone because you cared for me.
And I could see you coming home after work late, you're in the kitchen trying to fix us a hot plate.
Just working with the scraps you was given, and mama made miracles every Thanksgiving.
But now the road got rough, you're alone. Trying to raise two bad kids on your own.
And there's no way I can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated.

xoxo